Tuesday, April 20, 2010

My New Favorite Blog

Ok. So one of my 9th graders (who is a TOTAL kindred spirit when it comes to reading) turned me on to this webside Sparklife. I just started reading "Blogging Twilight." It's about a GUY who reads Twilight and blogs about what he thinks. IT.IS.HILARIOUS. I'm sitting here reading it during 7th period while my kids are working on their power points. And I keep laughing OUT LOUD. I can't help it. It's that funny. Go read it. But in case you need an extra push, here's a few exerpts:

Edward admits that while hunting with his brother, he felt anxious because he was away from Bella. He says he's drawn to her for some unexplainable reason, and feels he must protect her. Not to belabor the point, but even when confronted with the most delicious sandwich or soup, I never felt the need to protect it from harm.


***

After reading chapter eight, where Edward nearly kills the guys that are picking on Bella, the author makes the following predection:

Predictions: On the way home, Bella gets stung by a bee. Edward freaks out, and struggles to resist the urge to kill the bee. Finally, he screams and bashes his head against the steering wheel to let out his frustration.

***

I think a more realistic conversation between two teens, even if one is a vampire, would go something like this:

BELLA: Hey.
EDWARD: Hey.
BELLA: What's up?
EDWARD: I don't know.
BELLA: Yeah.
EDWARD: ...
BELLA: Um...I like you more than you like me.
EDWARD: Shut up. That's stupid.
BELLA: No it's not. [Giggles]
EDWARD: I...uh...I...
BELLA: Yeah.
EDWARD: I like you more than you like me.
BELLA: For real?
EDWARD: Yep. [Looks at shoes]
BELLA: Cool. What's the deal with werewolves?
EDWARD: I don't know. They're so lame.
BELLA: Totes.
EDWARD: I know, right? I can read minds.
BELLA: Yeah, I know. You already told me that.
EDWARD: [Fiddles with shoe string] Wanna see how high I can jump, after school?
BELLA: Um...all right, I guess.
EDWARD: Cool.

***

Throughout the day, Edward asks Bella all kinds of random, boring questions, such as: "What's your favorite color?", and, "What kind of flowers do you like?" Nothing interesting is revealed. If I were him, I'd ask her important questions such as, "Since I'm immortal and you're not, eventually you're going to get old and busted. When that happens, is it cool if I date another 17-year-old?"

***

The next morning, Edward drives Bella to school. She tells us, "I couldn't imagine how an angel could be any more glorious. There was nothing about him that could be improved upon." Really? How about an eyeball on the end of a finger so he could look around corners without being seen? Or bigger calf muscles?

***

Inside the truck, Edward left a note that says, "Be safe." This is exactly the kind of note a parent would leave. Instead of being so intense all the time, he should have left something flirty and fun in the car, like a note saying:

Hey Isabelly,

I wrote this rap for you:

Promise not to die
And don't be a liar
I like to kill bears
'Cause I'm a vampire

Holla!

Later hater,
Ed-weird

P.S.
I want to touch your face so hard!

***

While hiking, Bella tells us once again that Edward is a godlike creature. We get it. She thinks he's hot. If you eliminated all descriptions of Edward, along with all conversations about danger and scenes of face-touching, this book would be nothing but a short paragraph or two about rain and badminton.

***

Why is Bella so irresistible to Edward? I have no idea. But since he wants her blood,
why can't he have some? A normal person can donate blood every few weeks. If Bella started now, she would have a whole cupboard filled with Eddie Treats in no time, and then the "I can't be with you. But I must be with you" nonsense could end.

Maybe he can just drink Bella's mother's blood instead. Or maybe Bella's mom and dad can get together, have another kid, and feed it to Edward. (But if they choose to do that, they shouldn't name the kid, because then they will get too attached.) I'm just throwing out ideas, because I'm sick of Edward complaining.

***

For a few more paragraphs he talks about how difficult it is being close to her. Edward has turned into a big whiner. Suck it up, man. I thought vampires were supposed to be tough and scary, not wusses who run fast and sparkle.

***

Edward also suggests it would be a good idea for him to meet Bella's dad formally. He asks if she will introduce him as her boyfriend, and she reflects that he's not exactly a boy. Maybe she should introduce him like this:

BELLA: Hey Charlie. This is Edward. He's my man-buddy. He watches me sleep every night. But don't worry. We can't "get busy" because Edward would kill me. So all we can do is smooch and touch our faces, which is so awesome. He eats bears. Anyway, we're off to an enchanted garden filled with rainbows and bubbles. Later.

***

While everyone is standing around and staring at each other, Bella notices the grand piano. You will never believe this, but Edward can play the piano beautifully. Moreover, he writes his own music and has composed a piece that was inspired by Bella.

He doesn't mention it, but I assume his song is entitled one of the following:

Dangerous Passion
Passionate Danger
Back Dat Up, Bella (Slap It, Slap It)
A Whiff of Bella In The Morning
Bella and The Lurker
If Spying on the One I Love is Wrong, I Don't Want to be Right
Back Dat Up, Bella (Slap it, Slap it) [Club Remix feat. T-Pain]


***

After that, he swam to France, for some reason. Edward says swimming is easy for vampires because they don't need to breathe air. While the ability to read minds didn't faze Bella, a vampire's disinterest in oxygen freaks her out. It's like telling someone, "Hey, I'm on fire," and she doesn't care. But then tell them, "I also have a headache," and they panic.

After swimming to France, Carlisle went to some universities, where he fell in love with medicine. He believed that by helping sick people, he could make up for some of the horrible things vampires have done. Maybe this is why Angelina Jolie adopts all those kids! It all makes sense. She must be a vampire. She has the sexy good looks, the overly dramatic attitude, and I've never seen her sleep or eat. Case closed.

***


After first becoming a "Pretty Night Thing That Bites," Edward followed Carlisle's orders and only ate animals. But then Edward started to rebel, which left Carlisle in a flurry of angst. Edward thought he'd be in the clear if he only killed bad people. I agree with that, and cannot understand why these vampires don't fight crime. They could wipe out terrorism overnight by hunting bad guys, but instead they opt to go to high school and drive fast.

OK I'll stop now. It's kinda cool how he goes through the whole book. Poeple comment. Some are haters, and some are big fans who are able to laugh at it still. I'm a big fan of this new website! (Sorry Jill!!!)


Thursday, April 15, 2010

A Lesson Learned From the Past

So I'm sitting here in 5th period, which is almost over, having just finished teaching an exhausting lesson in Excel. Required me to walk around a lot, check kids' screens, help them get caught up or fix their mistakes. Made me pretty parched. I came and sat down and went to take a sip from my mug--the big one you get at the hospital when you have a baby. I'm almost out of water. I should refill it. But the drinking fountain outside my door only fills it up so far, since the mug is too big. And I don't have time to walk down to the faculty room and fill it up myself. Maybe I should have a student do it for me.

And then I remember.

Mrs. Densley. 5th grade. She had this ten-minute close-of-the day routine that we did every day. Every person in the class had a job from picking up paper, erasing the board, and other such stuff. My job was to fill up Mrs. Densley's water mug. I had to walk down to the main office where they had ice and water, and fill it up for her. I liked my job. I liked getting to leave the classroom. I felt that Mrs. Densley must really trust me to give me a job like that. I liked Mrs. Densley. She gave out "good working pills" which was like jolley ranchers and stuff. Used to be smarties until some brilliant boys crushed them up and started to sniff them.

Anyway, 5th grade was also the year that I tried really hard to be popular. Totally failed at it, by the way. 5th and 6th grade were the WORST years--except for 7th, which was pretty much the worst year of my life. Anyway, one day while I walked back from class with Mrs. Densley's water, I thought how the girls I was trying to be friends with would think it was SO hilarious if I spit in the teacher's cup. So I did. And then I bragged about it to them after school. I remember feeling really guilty when I watched Mrs. Densley drink that water. But my desire to be popular totally trumped my guilt.

The next day, I can't remember how I rigged it, but I managed to get two other girls to spit in the water too, before I gave it to Mrs. Densley. I watched her drink it. I felt bad. The moment of triumph and attention I got was long over. I'm sure those girls don't remember. Mrs. Densley certainly never knew. But I remember.

Little did I know that one day I'd be a teacher myself, and I'd remember that action every time I ask a student to do something for me. I can't fool myself that they wouldn't do something mean, like steal or lie or cheat, just because I'm a "cool" teacher and they like me. They might have some friends to impress. And then no matter how cool I am, I could be drinking their spit. I'm sure Densley never would have guessed I'd behave that way--how many of the students I trust would spit in my cup if it benefited them?

Yesterday when one of my 9th graders asked me to try some salsa he made, I remembered Mrs. Densley. And I immediately refused. It has to be in a wrapper or I won't take it. Who knows what he put in it? Well, turns out its a good thing I declined--he'd put all kinds of hot peppers and jalapenos in it, and some kid had thrown up after trying it at lunch. So, lesson well-learned I guess.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Five Posts for the Price of One!

I've got a lot of unrelated things on my mind today that I want to blog about. So here goes:

Chair Happy

First a video Trevor and I took tonight playing with Afton. I apologize for how dark the video is. It's becoming very clear that we need to get a new video camera. I got a new digital one at school and I LOVE it. It's so hard to go back to our old one--the viewer rarely works, it won't upload so I have to use my sister's old camera to upload it, and half the time THAT camera won't accept a tape so you have to load and unload it until it shuts up. (Though thank you, Nick, because without it I couldn't unpload ANYTHING) Contrast that with the digital camera--stick in the card and zip! Uploaded! That's it! Grrr...

Anyway, this video was taken tonight while Afton explored the wonders of her new Dora chair. Well it's not NEW, we got it from her cousin Millie--but Trevor fixed it up and I washed the cover and bam! New toy for Afton! She's laughing really weird in this video--I think it's because she's a little sick and she can't laugh normally. Or maybe she'll just really, really excited.






A Quiet House

Titus is gone. The house is very quiet now. I don't hear his constant meows anymore. He doesn't wake me up in the night. He and Tarzan are no longer fighting. Tarzan doesn't miss him one bit, and is turning back into the old Tarzan--playful and PRESENT. Afton doesn't seem to miss him, but she is taking more interest in Tarzan, and he is not a big fan of that. Things are settling back to normal. But you know what? We miss that cat. He was always so willing to cuddle and pur and be there with you. He loved my baby. He let her play with him. The house feels very empty without him.


Trevor's Newest Hobby


Trevor and I both "Hobby" people. You may know this after reading such blog entires as
My New "Bow"dacious Hobby, Useless Talents, The Hobby Hobbit, The Hobby Hobbit Strikes Again, and Behold, the Bat Mobile. Now Trevor has taken on a new hobby. This one--well, I'm not quite so thrilled about it.


Trevor is, apparently, a pretty good shot. He's been hunting with his Dad and brother for years. He also has mad bow-hunting skills. Napoleon Dynamite would be proud. But now he's decided he wants to go into the hobby of airsoft guns. He bought this huge expensive gun partially with some of our tax return (which he TRICKED me into giving him, might I add) and partially with his second job--donating plasma. That's right. He makes about $60 a week doing that. It's how he funds this new hobby. Once he's got all his "gear" he's going to go out into the wildnerness with a bunch of man-buddies and play war. I don't really get it. But he's pretty obsessed. What can you do?


Easter Fun


Last is a bit from our Easter this year. We had two Easter's, one with Trevor's parents and one with mine. I'm afraid the second session of conference was sacrificed in order to achieve this, (why have conference and Easter on the same day, WHY???) but I will try to watch it on lds.org. Anyway, Afton totally dug it. Here she is sitting with all the cousins on the Rees side. I never got a good shot of all of them looking forward, but I DID manage to get a shot of Afton stealing Rhiannon's chocolate bunny. She grabbed it and ripped the wrapper right off. With chocolate in one hand and wrapper in the other, she promptly dropped the worthless chocolate and went for the real treat--shiny wrapper! Yeay!



She got an Easter basket from her Rees grandparents. What we'll do with that chocolate she can't eat and I shouldn't eat and Trevor won't eat I'll never know! Then we headed over to my parents house and had yet another easter egg hunt. She TOTALLY got the easter egg hunt thing. She'd find one, pick it up, and throw it into the basket. So cute!






Easter Politics

Last, here's a little anecdote from our Easter Festivities. My mom planned a hunt for the little kids, in which the big kids hid the eggs. Then she sent me and Greg Bee downstairs to hide the eggs for the big kids, with the instructions to "hide them HARD." So we got pretty creative. Rusty joined us and three of us had a fun time thinking of the torturous places to hide said eggs. This year Mom had opted out of the candy thing and instead put in money. Some had a penny, some a quarter, some a dime. She WAS a little chintzy. So Greg decided to make a "golden egg" and pulled a five dollar bill from his wallet. He put it in an egg and then used a popsicle stick to lodge into the rafter of the barbie doll house. Quite ingenious, I must say.


So, the kids are looking high and low for this "free hand out" until finally Logan, Greg's son, finds it. The kids all crack open their eggs and count their winnings. Logan's twin, Bethany, is disgruntled to find that she only has 20 cents. Everyone else has at least a dollar! Greg opens up the wallet and hands her five dollar bills to keep her happy. We all go upstairs. A few minutes later, Greg Crockett comes up with the five dollar bill that Logan had left on the floor unattended and gives it to Greg Bee. Then Bethany comes up and explains that she felt bad that Gabe didn't get as much, so she gave him some of her money. But Gabe didn't want to just take it, he wanted to EARN it, so she hid it in an egg and made him look for it.


We came to the following conclusions:


1. Bee is a democratic government giving out free hand-outs


2. Logan is ungrateful of his free hand out because he didn't have to work for it.


3. Bethany is a democrat, because she's trying to redistribute the wealth


4. Gabe is a republican, because he insisted on earning his handout.


5. Afton might be a budding Democrat too--judging by the way she made off with this dollar bill a few minutes later...or does that make her a Republican?


Happy Easter everybody!