Ever feel like, although you are the ramrod that holds your family together, you are also the least important person in it? I mean, take Mom out of the equation, and the whole family would fall apart. Or at least flounder. And yet, mom's needs are very last. Dead last. I think I am just a little too selfish to accept this difficult fact. Am I the only one who struggles with this? Am I just more selfish than most moms out there? I take care of the man and the baby--but who takes care of ME? Oh wait--I do. When I get the chance. Which I rarely do.
I spent the summer being a Stay At Home Mom. I wrote a post about how work was easier. Well, this what I have to say about that...WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING????
I have never struggled with working as much as I am right now. I've never wanted to be home more. I've always said I like my job, I like working, and I am ok with not being a SAHM. But now--now I'm not so sure. I just can't keep up! How did I do it last semester? I'm tired. No--I'm exhausted. I am teaching seven periods a day with no break. I did this last semester--how did I not, like, DIE? Every second is insane--I'm getting new students sent down every period, and they interupt what I'm doing and I'm multi-tasking and trying to settle them and keep the other kids busy. And then I'm teaching the same thing over and over again--why is this suddenly so difficult? I've been doing it for six years! And then school gets out and I'm rushing to pick up the baby and get dinner on for Trevor and keep the house clean.
He comes home, eats dinner. And he goes to bed.
I do the dishes, sweep the floor, make dinner and serve it, do more dishes, feed the baby, put her to bed, go back up there twenty times to soothe her before she actually goes to sleep. I try to get scrapbooking and blogging done--when I'm lucky enough to have the time--and get lunches ready for the next day and clean up messes and do the laundry and pick up EVERY SINGLE THING he's ever worn which is on the floor since he can't figure out how to use a hamper. I'm tired. Is it ok that I'm tired?
And I'm really not being fair. Trevor will be ticked when he reads this. He's really great with Afton. He puts her down to bed almost as often as I do. He works long 10 hour days and he's tired too. But seriously--how hard is it to use a hamper???
Today was just the hardest day. Work was long and stressful. Trevor is really, really sick. He's throwing up constantly and he's really dizzy. We aren't sure why. Am I a jerk because I'm not thinking, "Oh my poor darling! I'm so sad you're sick! What can I do to serve you?" but instead I'm thinking, "Damn! Now I have to do EVERYTHING!" He can't drive, so I spent the whole evening driving Afton to my sisters, then picking him up then going to Instacare, then going to Walgreens to get his perscription, then getting Afton, then picking up the perscription (and Walgreens took FOREVER so I'm not going there again!) And we get home--and still I'm running a mile a minute feeding the baby, getting her down, running to the store for milk. He sits and watches TV. Like he's been sitting and resting all day.
But he's sick! He really is! He really CAN'T do what I'm doing--I know this. I know he's not faking it. I've seen the blood run from his face when he stands up, and how heavily he leans on me when we walk, and how he had to run to the bathroom when we got to the Instacare to throw up yet again. Why am I not more sympathetic? Why am I not more Christ-like? Why can't I feel more empathy for him and take care of him the way I'm supposed to? Why am I complaining, when he has a geniune and real need?
Maybe because I also have genuine and real needs--but they are NEVER as important as anyone else's.
Ok. I'm done. Please don't think I'm a horrible person. I love my husband with all my heart. I'm completely nuts about him. Everyone knows that. (Gosh I hope he doesn't read this...uh..I LOVE YOU HONEY!!!) I love my baby girl. I am honored to have them both in my life and to be able to serve them. But...today I just want a break! Is that ok??
Brooklynn turns 2
1 year ago