Why Teachers Don't Care

When I first started teaching, I was apalled by the number of jaded teachers I saw. Women and men who do nothing extra--they come to work, teach the bare minimum, and get their paycheck. They don't go the extra mile, they hate their jobs, and they become total jerks. I had teachers like that in Junior High, and I've seen many like that in my work. I did not want to become like that. I was enfused with the excitement of my new career--planning activities for my students that took extra time, but were so good for them and taught them on a higher level. I didn't care that it took me hours more to prepare. And then I started the ballroom program at my school. The first year I did it completely for free-just because I wanted to. I wanted to give some kids what was given me--confidence at an age where it is so desperately needed. I knew that ballroom was a great way of doing that. My second year I was paid for my ballroom program--not much, but I was happy to get it. I took great joy in what I was doing. It was extra work, sure, but it was worth it. I watched these kids grow and learn and start to become a different person.

But now, after six years of teaching, I'm starting to turn into one of THOSE teachers. And I'm starting to figure out why they get that way. Of course there's just the wear and tear that Jr. high kids give you--you seem them making the same mistakes over and over again, and they never seem to learn. They move on to high school and most of the time we never see them again--we never see the finished product. We just get another batch of adolescents making the same mistakes the previous batch did, and it just seems lik the never learn. The DO, we just don't see it. Then you get a family, and you realize that every extra minute you are spending beyond your contract time is a minute away from them. And you wonder--why am I giving so much to someone else's kids instead of my own? Then you get some random cruel letter from a parent, and you feel like throwing up your hands and saying, "Why do I bother?"

And now, I feel like the school itself is against me. I get the feeling from my "superiors" that my extra work is nothing more than an annoyance for them--it might mean an extra signature or a minute or two of planning or making some phone calls. It's too much work FOR THEM. They'd rather I just don't bother. Purchasing rules in my district seem to be set up just for that reason--to deter any teacher from trying to provide a great experience for kids. No, just stack 'em deep and teach 'em cheap. 'Cause apparently the goal of my district is to take away anything fun for kids and give it to the high schools. Make junior high suck as much as possible.

I'm so tired of banging my head against this wall. I'm tired of going the extra mile and getting nothing for it. No apprecation from my boss, my district, the parents, or even the students. They forget--they don't even realize what you've done. They just take, use, and forget. They might realize years later what you've done and even thank you--I had a student and her parents in just two days ago thanking me for my ballroom program--but it's hard to continue justifying all this work.

And so what do I do? I drop all extra work. I come, get my paycheck, and go home. It's easier for everyone that way, isn't it? The kids might not get as rich of an experience or education, but does that REALLY matter, when compared to the prospect of inconveniencing other people or rocking a few boats? Teachers can't afford to care. If we care, there is always some rule or regulation to prevent us from doing something great. And parents complain, and who knows what kind of accusations could fly? That's not a risk I can afford to take.

I'm done. No more ballroom next year. Maybe I'll even drop the talent show. I can't afford to care anymore. I'll do the bare minimum--it's the same paycheck, after all.

Your Online Integrity

Grrr...

I'm having a hard day.

We got this unfair bill in the mail this morning. It threw me. I'm sure you've all been there--so financially tight you can't buy a new shirt or an extra gallon of milk, and just when you think you are gonna make it, you get some unexpected bill. I was REALLY mad. I felt it was totally unfair and almost sketchy, what they were charging.

And then I did something stupid. I turned to the peas. Why? Why do I keep forgetting what jerks are on that site? It's an online message board with traffic from people all over the U.S. and abroad. If you have a question, there is bound to be SOMEONE with the answer. There have been times when I got some really good insights and points of view I hadn't considered when consulting with the peas. (The website is twopeasinabucket.com and all the posters on it are refered to as "peas.")

Now of course, there are people who are chronic posters. People who MUST be glued to their screen 24/7 because they have thousands of posts and they remember everything about you if you post. It's really creepy. I'm sure the majority of them or normal--but you know, the crack-pots always post fifty times more than everyone else.

So I posted about this bill, and I was shocked at the cruel, judgemental and out and out rude comments I got. Most of them were fine--I might not have agreed with them, but they were giving their opinions about the subject at hand, and that's what I want. And then you get the jerks--the people who seem to have nothing better to do than pick apart everything you say and take exception to it--making awful comments that make you cry. And don't bother defending yourself--this will cause ten other jerks to sniff out the drama and come after you.

This is what happened to me today. I was a gold fish in a sea of piranas. Same thing happened the last two times I posted, which was like the only time I've posted all year. I feel just awful. It's amazing the toxic atmosphere a few comments can make, and though I know I should just ignore it, it's not in my nature to do so. I'm not used to dealing with openly rude people--and I teach junior high for heaven's sakes! Even JUNIOR HIGH kids have better manners than these people.

And then I thought--this woman who made this comment--she could be the parent of a student. She could be my next door neighbor. She could be that lady helping me at the store. She could be ANYBODY, because when you are online, speaking to strangers under a false name--you can be ANYONE. What kind of integrity do you really have when no one knows who you are, and there are no reprecussions for your behavior? How many of these catty women are sitting at church on Sunday, serving up dinner to a gaggle of smiling children, or teaching kindergartners their ABC's? They aren't some ugly depressed psychopath--they are normal people who have figured out that HERE is a place where they can REALLY say what they think.

What kind of online integrity do I have? Am I tempted to make that snarky comment, because I know no one who matters can call me on it? Am I the kind of person who would seek out an opportunity to hurt someone, just because I CAN? Disagreement is one thing, but personal attacks are another entirely. I am glad to say I never done this, though I have done it in retaliation. Which I shouldn't do, no matter how tempting. Just as I don't know THEM, they don't know ME. They can make all kind of judgements about me based on the one paragraph of information they have. And I can do the same--one snarky comment, and I'm certain they are visible jerks to all. But maybe they aren't. Maybe they are normal people having a bad day. (Though I STILL can't beleive that...) I can't change my ignorance--I can't know. But I CAN make sure that my own online integrity is not compromised.

And I probably ought to start by boycotting the site entirely. I simply can't take the temptation to strike back. This is not the first time I have made this resolution, but a year goes by and I find myself wandering back out of sheer boredom. It is in my nature to forgive easily and not hold grudges, but that downside to that is that I literally FORGET what wrongs have been done me. And I tend to walk into the same trap more than once. Well, I hope I've learned. And I hope I can make my own resolution to be the same person online as I am every day.

Well I feel better now. They got me so riled up, and I knew that if I responded anymore it would just get worse. So now I feel better having expressed myself without interuption. Ignore this post--its more for me than you!

Useless Talents

In junior high I remember that the kids who had physical talents got a lot of attention. I was sometimes one of them--whenever I felt self-conscious, I would pull out paper and pencil and start drawing. And then I'd make sure someone saw it and BAM--immediate acceptance. Well, to an extent. Until my inherant ability to irritate got in the way. (I've seen few 7th graders in my career that are more annoying than I was at the age--but there have been a few...)

Now I teach junior high and I see the same thing. The kids with talents for athletics, music, dance, and art get attention. Everyone praises how wonderful and talented they are. We just had auditions for the school musical, and I had a hand in casting it. At the rehearsal today, I sensed a reverence the other kids seemed to feel when around the leads--they were talented.

It's strange how those things can not only matter very little when you become an adult, but can also become a detriment. It's easy to get sucked in to the selfish world of music and drama--which requires so much time and gives nothing practical in return--only the self-satisfaction of feeling good. I suppose that must be addicting, and a part of me longs for it--standing on a stage, the world at my feet, with all in awe of my talent. But then I realized two things: I'm not that good, and I'm too practical to go that way. Basically, unless you are really lucky, physical talents don't get you jack in the long run. I'd rather be good at Math, or have a knack for making money. Yeah--I want THOSE talents...

It made me think of the physical talents I have been blessed with. I have many physical talents and I'm mediocre at all of them. Which is actually fine with me. I discovered art first--drawing in church, and on every scrap of paper I could muster. Here's a picture I drew in the 4th grade. I value this greatly, as it's the earliest drawing of mine that I have.

Drawing sustained me for years--I spent most of my youth improving my skill, finally settling on a Disney style I can't get out of, as a result of an obsession for the Little Mermaid in the 7th grade. If you knew me then, you know what I'm talking about!

Over the years as I've gotten older, drawing has become less and less important. In fact, the only time I draw at all is when I'm bored--in church or in meetings, sometimes in school assemblies. It's a way out of boredom and no more. And actually I like it that way. I had no real desires to become "an artist" not after my sister Cindy told me when I was five that "artist's starve." Stark but true, and apparently I listened. My only outlet now is occasionally working on my paper doll set--I have several that I work on. I've made paper dolls ever since I can remember, and it's something I still enjoy from time to time. One day, Afton is going to have a KILLER set.

I just scanned these in--this set has 12 different dolls and over 200 outfits! I started thet set in 1998, and I just keep making new dolls and new clothes and throwing out the old. The pink dress was actually designed by my neice Millie (6) who told me what she wanted and then I created it. She was thrilled.


Other talents? I went through a writing stage. It started in 8th grade when I went thorugh one of those periods where all my friends hated me. I was lonely so I started a book. And actually finished it two years later. Sucks, but it's finished. Then I wrote another one my senior year. And then I started a third before my mission and finished it when I got home. That one, Gifted, is actually quite good and I wish I could publish it, but I have no aspirations to be a writer, and therefore no real motivation to go through the hell that is publishing a first novel. I've written poetry here and there, and short stories. But always I knew that I just wasn't a natural--I just liked to do it for a hobby and nothing more.

Singing. Discovered this one in 9th grade. I have a good voice, once a solid voice, and was thrilled when I found I could sing. But it's proved to be a rather useless talent as well. I'm no where near good enough to be the lead in a play, and teaching has completely ruined my voice anyway. I got nodules on my vocal chords after a breif stint in Little Shop of Horrors, which I had to drop, and my voice has never really been the same since. Now I can hardly sing in church after a week of teaching my classes and ballroom. There goes that.

Which brings me to my last talent--dance. Again--not one I'm all too good at. I danced on a ballroom team in high school--more for the social life and the high of performing than for a love of the art. If I'd known I'd end up teaching it in junior high, maybe I would have bothered to learn it better. Dance is one of the most useless talents of all--there is NO future in it.

So here I am, this artsy fartsy girl with mediocre gifts--and where have they gotten me? Why do we give such praise to them, when they are impractical and so impossible to make a career out of? I'm better of with my computer knowledge, my talent for teaching and handling students--they have been far more useful to me than singing or dancing or any of the others. But I guess it's those little talents that make life interesting--that give you a little something more to offer, to spice up your life. As always, my practical nature wins out. I'm glad I was given these gifts--and I'm even MORE glad that I'm only mediocre at them. I don't want them for a career--I want them to be dessert--something I dabble in occasionally for pure fun rather than to make money.

I suppose no talent is truly USELESS, so long as we are learning from it. It's not like all those years and money spent on ballroom are wasted because I'm not on Dancing with the Stars. I learned to socialize--I changed from that obnoxous 7th grader so a slightly more tolerable 9th grader, to the amazing humble person I am today ;) But still, I see talents in my students that they don't even know they have, or don't really appreciate. They are wasting their time wishing they could sing better or dance like that girl or play football as good as so-and-so. And in ten years, it won't really matter who was the better singer. There are those rare shining exceptions who manage to make a career out of their physical talents, but the rest of us are ordinary people living ordinary lives, and the talent for just getting through it with a smile on your face is far more prized.

Anyway, I'm done now. What is with the long thoughtful posts?

Waxing Philosophic About Teachers/Parents

Tonight I was at my school doing the audition callbacks for the school musical. We had a parent come, very upset about some issues with her child. I was not the one under fire--but it made me think about the whole parent/teacher relationship in the public school system.

In elementary school they're all friends. Parents come to help in the classroom--they read with their kid and other kids, help with math, and do all sorts of things to make the teacher's life easier. It's a wonderful partnership--and much needed. I subbed enough for elementary school teachers to know that they have it as rough as we junior high teachers do, if in a different way. I guess it depends on what kind of "rough" you can handle. They get no breaks! They can't get stuff done while their kids work! If they mess up, their kids CAN'T READ. I mean, they have a tough job.

Anyway, then Junior High comes along. And suddenly the parent is the enemy. We don't want them in our rooms, and they don't want to be there either. They don't know how to handle the swearing, the crowded hallways, the chance that there will be a confrontation with a student. They don't know the advanced subject, they just don't seem to BELONG. We don't want them to know how much we get frustrated, how often we have to yell, and listen to any critism from someone who just doesn't understand. We don't really know what to DO with them. I imagine it must be a shock for them, this sudden change in attitude. I guess one day I'll find out.

Most parents I deal with are awesome. I'd say about 95%. And honestly, I have very little interaction with them other than an occasional email, a phone call with a question, parent teacher conferences. I teach an easy exploratory class, where most kids get an A to a B. I have very few parents mad at me. I really feel for those Math teachers, man. I make a point of answering every parent email immediately, I try to be as respectful as I can. I know they've got a tough job too, raising teenagers.

But parents can really be the enemy sometimes--I try not to feel that way, but every now and then you have an experience that just makes you wonder why you bother. On Monday we had play auditions--I was there from 7:00 to 5:00. Then I drove home, gulped down some food, picked up Afton, and returned to school for our Literacy Night. (you are supposed to bring your families to it.) I was tired, hungry, and cranky. I had a baby to take care of. I had to be at a booth all night and take pictures of the event, and I had let my battery run down in my camera and had to run to my classroom to get it. They blocked all the hallways and the only way to get to my classroom was through the libary--where a line of parents and students extended forever, waiting to get their Fablehaven books signed by Brandon Mull, who was visiting our school. I was tired, hot, and overwhelmed. I tried to get past the line to get to the far doors that woudl lead me to my hallway. A student was standing in my way and I called out, "Excuse me!" she didn't hear me. I raised my voice, trying to get my massive baby stroller past her. Again she didnt' hear me so I raised my voice again. I imagine I sounded exhasperated. I didn't want to just tap her with the stroller. And some old bat mother says, "Just CALM DOWN!" (telling someone to calm down, by the way, is a SURE FIRE way to wind them up even further...) I turned to her and apologized, saying something incoherant about how I had to get through to get my battery. "WELL," She says again, totally rude, "You can just calm down!" I turned again and said I was sorry. A student next to her nudged her and said under her breath, "She's a teacher!" I didn't have my badge on, see. Then she says it AGAIN all rude. And I got all quiet and said, "i'm sorry--I've just really worked hard for tonight," (and I HAD. I'd made the passports we used on Photoshop, printed 800 copies, sliced them into fourths, made the posters for the school, etc) And then I left. And started crying. Because I'd worked so hard, for free, to make that night possible, to help with the school play, to do ballroom team--all this stuff, and some old BAT yells at me like that? I was so upset. It's parents like that that I dread. (CLEARLY it's been a long time since SHE had to maneuver a stroller...)

Do parents realize that we are PEOPLE? That they can cause us just as much emotional damage as we can cause their kids--MORE? I had an email from a parent once--totally unprovoked, totally unfair, which accused me of everything from being the worst teacher in the school to destroying her daughter's confidence. She even threatened to get me fired. Why? No idea. Had her student 3rd quarter, (this was the end of the year) and she got an A. Never had a trouble with her. Not a THING. It was such an awful email I went into my back room and cried for twenty minutes. I called one of the administrators who talked me through it. And to this day, every time I open a parent email I think of taht woman--I remember those awful, cruel words. I'm afraid it's another one like that. It doesn't matter that she later apologized, that she spoke to one of my former students who praised me to the skies and explained what kind of teacher I really was. It doesn't matter that she was wrong and admitted it. I've been emotionally damaged. I'm terrified of parents. And her kid is FINE.

It's a scary profession. Good thing I love teaching. I love being in front of these students, being a part of their lives, having an influence over even small aspects of their world. I am fascinated to watch them become who they are going to be. They come to visit you from the high school and they've grown so tall and gotten so grown up. It's the beautiful thing about my job. But parents scare the tar out of me.

Sorry. This was SO LONG.

And Here She Is!

And here's the lady who needs no further introduction than...

ROCK LOBSTER!!!

Make an on-line slideshow at www.OneTrueMedia.com

(I posted it on Facebook, too, but not everyone checks that, and EVERYONE has to see how cute my baby girl is!)

10 Random Things - And it's not even a "tag"

So I'm super boring. I've been thinking for weeks now that I need to update my blog, but can't think of a single thing to write about. Am I that boring? Do I really have nothing interesting going on in my life? Do I just not think deeply about anything? So I thought I'd just make a list of random thoughts...

1. I'm at school right now. Today my kids are working on their power points (though right now it's my prep and my room is empty, hooray!) I love power point days. The kids work and I play and it's awesome.

2. I spent most of yesterday (another power point day) designing buttons. I'm getting kind of obsessed. I bought a badge-making machine or a class project, and instead of making soap, now the kids make badges. So I made a bunch of designs. Sometimes I make them and put them in a candy jar, and when the kids are good they get to pick one. Here's a few designs I made:


3. Afton REFUSES to roll over. I'm not exactly worried about it so much as annoyed. With Nicki's baby Tyson--18 hours younger--already crawling, and Kelly's baby Jenna, three months YOUNGER--already rolling, I'm wondering why the crap my baby is so lazy. She's done it before. But she just forgot how. Yesterday we put her on her stomach and watched her squirm like a slug and whine like a hyenna until we finally had pity and sat her up. All she really wants to do is sit up, all the time. And she's very good at THAT at least. She's drooling like no other now, and gets her whole front soaking wet. Sweet baby.

4. There's this kid I know from ages ago who won't add me as a friend on Facebook. In fact, I think he blocked me. I'm SO annoyed. What the hell? He's friends with other friends of mine. We used to be good friends. But we HAVE kissed before. Think his wife won't let us be friends or what? Makes me mad. Stupid kid. As if I'm a threat now. If THAT is the rule, then he can't be friends with half the girls who went to BYU...I feel better now.

5. Everyone is sick. Last week in ballroom team I had SIX KIDS not show up because they're sick. What do you say to that? Of course they can't come--but what's the point of holding a rehearsal? I'm afraid we won't be ready to perform by January 6th--especially if they all keep missing. Last year NO ONE ever missed. What the crap?

6. I'm reading Fablehaven right now. It's awesome. I highly reccommend it--especially if you are a Harry Potter fan. I'm meeting the author next week! (like everyone else in Utah...)

7. Grr... I'm getting SO fat. I'd thank DeLayna for the clothes she gave me the other day that saved my bacon, but she never checks my blog. (Do you Del? Come out come out! I DARE you to leave a comment and reveal yourself!)

8. This weekend I'm going to a baby sealing for my friend Heather. Her little boy is being sealed to them on Halloween! I'm very excited (if excited ist he right word--maybe honored is better) because I know it will be amazing. Going to her daughter Holland's sealing was one of the most amazing things I've ever been a part of in the temple.

9. I'm pretty sure I lost my ballroom shoes. But I haven't really looked, because if i do then I won't find them and then they'll REALLY be lost. I do that a lot, and I lose things a lot. And I wait so long to look that by the time I do I've forgotten all surrounding events that might have helped me find it. This includes the $600 camera in my backroom. Put it there end of the year last year, now it's gone. Did I lose it? Did someone steal it? Who knows. Gotta file a report on that. And yes, I've told my administrators. Racked my brains, and all I can remember thinking is, "Where can I put this where no one will find it?"

10. Next weekend we're going over to our friends Ryan and Anna's to play games. I love going there. Ryan buys games by the crate and sells them for way cheap at Christmas time. Every time we go over there we play the newest coolest board games. We are in the market for a new game this Christmas! I wonder what we'll get?

That's all for today. I hope you enjoyed my ranting. I gobble up my friends' blogs so quickly--check it every morning and I'm so happy when there's an update (aren't I pathetic?) so here's something for all four of you that read this. Hooray!

The biggest jerk in West Jordan...that I know....

Ok so here's my story. I'm going to try to be as fair as I can here. But I'm telling you, I think I just met the BIGGEST JERK COP in all of West Jordan.

So tonight around 9:00 p.m. Trevor and I are driving along 1300 West to go to my sister sister's house to pick up our baby. The street my sister lives on is one that you can miss really easily. I've done it many times. Plus it's dark. Trevor says, "Did I miss the street?" and I say, "no...it's right here!"

Trevor has to touch his breaks a bit to slow down, but as he was going about 35 in a 35 MPH zone, not very hard. He makes a sharp turn onto Jen's street. Trevor had already noticed there was a car behind us that was tailgating us. He got even closer after the turn. Then the guy turns on his brights at us. Trevor tapped his breaks to let the guy know that he was too close. We were only a few hundred yards after the turn at this point. So after Trevor taps his breaks, on come the cop lights. We were stunned.

I say to Trevor, "How fast were you going? You weren't speeding!" And Trevor said he knew he was going the speed limit. So this cop walks up to the window. I never even saw his face. He says, "What's going on tonight?"

I say (and honestly, I did NOT have a mean tone, I was genuinely confused) I said, "I hope you can tell us officer..." and then he absolutely flips out. Rips into me like NO OTHER. Tells me to not give him lip, and that he can give us a ticket and he doesn't want to hear from me, and asks Trevor to step out of the car. What? I was so confused. Then he rips into me some more. I was having the hardest time with this. I'd never been treated like that by a cop before.

So he asks Trevor how fast he was going, and Trevor said he knew he was going 35. The guys says, all superior, "You were going 31. And then you were going only 5" (Cause duh, we'd just taken a turn you idiot...) and he goes on about how Trevor shouldn't have taken a hard turn, and then driven so slow, and then that he tapped his brakes, which causes "road rage" (yeah, obviously...) Then he wants our story, and Trevor starts to explain and I said along with him, "he thought he missed the turn," and the guys absolutly flips out again. Something like, "I don't need your LIP! You have TWO CHOICES! I can give your husband a ticket or you can stop talking back blah blah blah." I say nothing. He says "Well?" And I start crying and saying I didn't want to say anything for fear I'd say the wrong thing.

Then he asks where we're going. Says he lives in the neighborhood. We say to pick up our daughter. "Where?" "Just down the street." "Which house?" (Can you BELEIVE THIS??) Then Trevor says to get our baby from my sister and gives her name. "I know her," he says. "I know her other sister too, the one in Sandy," and Trevor says their names. It was like he didn't believe we were who we said we were. How could I be sister to such nice upstanding people when I'm clearly a no-account with an attitude. (Oh, yes, he also accused me at some point for having an attitude...grrr..)

So then he gives Trevor this long lecture about driving safe and how he's just doing his job and finally lets us go. I was so upset. We went to my sister's, and she was surprised by he behavior. He's in her ward. He's in the young men's presidency. She thinks he's a SALT LAKE cop, and might not be a traffic cop. If he's out of his jurisdiction, can he write a ticket? Well, maybe if we did something to warrant it, and it did seem like he was doing everything he could to provoke us.

I was just crying when I told my sister about it. I felt like I'd been verbally abused and totally didn't deserve it. Trevor did NOTHING WRONG. When he brighted us, that was the first act of agression. Trevor simply warned him to back off. And he pulls us over for THAT? Trevor is considering filing a complaint. What do YOU think? Am I totally out of line here?