The Check List

It's amazing what you will do during church to stay awake. Other than, you know, actually listen to the speakers. In the past, Trevor and I have come up with some good ones. I'd draw a head. Then he'd draw the eyes. Then I'd draw the nose...and we'd end up with some funny stuff. Or we'd play the name game--I'd write down a name, then he'd write one down, and then, Utah-style, we'd combine it into one name and ask ourselves, "Should we name our future kid that?" That's how we got the name "Catheter" out of Catherine and Peter. No. We are not naming of our twins Catheter. When we bought our house, we started making a list of all the things we wanted for it, big or small, just to dream about it. I even pulled that list out later on and checked it, to remind myself what we needed.

Well, we don't get quite as bored in church anymore. Afton keeps it--well, very lively. BUT, today she played with our next door neighbor through most of church and was actually well-behaved (WHY is she so good for everyone else and not for US??) so we started another list. And that is actually what I'm blogging about, despite my rambling and lengthy entry.

THINGS WE NEED FOR OUR TWINS:

• Bedding (what colors are we doing?)
• A name for baby #2 (What do you think about Scarlett? And if we choose Scarlett, won't one of the colors for the nursery HAVE to be red?)
• A light fixture for the nursery
• A lamp and hamper for the nursery
• 2nd baby bouncer
• Another carseat (CHECK! And all three carseats DO fit in the back seat of the car!!!)
• Two more bases for said carseats so they can go in both cars
• A new baby monitor (since our old one SUCKS and doesn't work)
• A twin stroller (Is this really a necessity, seeing as a decent double stroller is at least $250?)
• A second crib (Borrow from the Cox's?)
• A diaper jenie--one just isn't going to cut it anymore with three in diapers
• MONEY FOR ALL THIS STUFF!!!

 And then of course there's

• How are we going to rearrange pretty much every peice of furnature we own to make it all work?

And...What do we need to prepare AFTON for?

• Get rid of the binki
• Get rid of bottles
• Get her in a big kid bed
• Get her as close to potty trained as possible
• Give her twin dolls to take care of in preparation

Well. It's overwhelming. And since the chances of having my twins early is higher than with a singleton, I really want to be as ready as possible by May. Not much time! This weekend we managed to get a second car seat and get it installed, thus answering the question--do we need to buy a van or can we get by with our cars? And tonight we also started our "growing Afton up" campaign where we moved her to a toddler bed.

 So we took down her crib. We re-arranged the furniture. We decided the bottle and binki would have to come after we got her used to her new bed. She was SO tired tonight because, since we have 1:00 church (otherwise known as HELL) she never took a nap. She was very antsy while Daddy took down the bed and we rearranged and vacuumed everything. She was VERY excited about her bed. She turned on her little sound machine herself. She happily crawled into bed when it was time and took her bottle and binki. We turned out the lights.

AND SHE IS SLEEPING.

Is it really that easy? Or are we just lucky tonight? Or is this just one thing that might just go our way? Hooray for my little girl! At least for tonight! What should we do next??

A Nielson Girl Through and Through

My mother had five daughters in seven years. I always knew me and my sisters were close in age, but it wasn't until I became a mother myself that I realized a little more fully the horror my mother must have felt when she found out she was pregnant AGAIN. I remember holding Afton when she was four months old thinking, "My sister Nicki was this old when Mom found out she was pregnant with me. Horrors!" I couldn't imagine being pregnant at that moment--I would have been absolutely flabbergasted to find out I was.

My mother didn't intend to have five girls so quickly. I don't think any of us were really "planned." It reminds me of a quote from Homer Simpson, "You don't plan to have children. They just happen!" Yes, I know this is not true for all women--but it appears to be for Nielson women.

We got pregnant with these babies on our first try, the first month. It was the same with Afton. When I found out I was pregnant--still not totally sure I wanted to be--I said, "The only reason I don't have five children by now is that birth control is better than it was in the 70's!" I know that I were in the 70's, I would be just like my mother and have kids that fast. I'm a Nielson girl that way.

Well, I'm a Nielson girl in another way. I wonder what my mother thought when she gave birth to especially her last three of us--and it was ANOTHER GIRL. I know she didn't even have a boy name chosen for me, her last, and unplanned, daughter. She had accepted her fate by then. My sister Aundi is the same way--four daughters, and she was just as fully prepared on the fourth that she would probably never have a son.

And so it is with me. I am truly a Nielson girl through and through. I found out yesterday that my twins are BOTH girls. Now I'll have THREE girls!

My feelings on this are mixed.

On one hand, I've actually always said that I could see myself with all girls. That I'd be much more upset to have all boys and no daughter, than all daughters and no son. And although you continuously hear "boys are easier" I'm not so sure this is true for me. I grew up with girls. I "get" girls, whereas boys are a complete unknown to me. I am not very good at playing with boys. I don't really understand them very well. And really, what's cuter than twin girls? I love the idea of having three little girls. I love picturing Trevor with his little girls. Last night he was playing barbies with Afton and it was the cutest thing ever.

On the other hand, it puts us in a difficult position. Trevor really does want a son. And now we have to make one of two very difficult choices: Accept that this is our last pregnancy and not ever have a son, or, have another pregnancy and HOPE that we get a boy. I know--I'm not the first to have to make such a decision. It's as common as...cheese. But, my age does complicate things. I couldn't even THINK about getting pregnant again until I'm 35 or 36, and that scares the crap out of me. So many more things can go wrong. And I'd be changing diapers at 38. And my kids wouldn't be out of the house until I'm like 55. And I would most likely be like my sister Aundi and get a 4th girl anyway. But then--four girls! That would be SO cute!

Anyway, yes. I'm having two girls. We don't even have a second girl name picked out! For some reason, I just didn't think I was going to get two girls. And now I'm feeling so guilty, as if I didn't want this second girl that I don't even have a name for her. I want to choose one quickly--she deserves a name and she is very much wanted!! But choosing a name is really hard--Trevor is so freaking picky and he doesn't like ANYTHING. And he won't BUDGE on Ripley. That is a set thing. I like it a lot, but I'd change it if I thought of something I liked better. Well, there's my thoughts on having two little girls. But oh! I can't wait to buy twin clothes for them! Whether they are identical or not (and they probably aren't but we don't know) I will OCCASIONALLY dress them the same. But not all the time.

And let me very clear--as much as I wanted a boy for the sake of my husband--I VERY MUCH want BOTH of my little girls!! We BOTH do!

Un-Friended

Yes everyone. I have been unfriended. My friendship has been denied. I have been handed my boarding pass and booted out the door. I stand, unable to respond, unable to speak, unable to defend myself. I am UN-FRIENDED. And as I cannot defend myself to the offended party, I will rant on my public blog instead.

Ah, the un-friend. Is there any greater social slap on the hand than the dreaded UN-FRIEND? You know, it's funny how, it really takes very little for most people to add someone as a friend on Facebook.

"I knew her in 4th grade!"
"We had a class together in 1983!"
"He was my roommate's cousins' brother's dog!"
"She's my husband's cousin's wife whom he doesn't really know and I've never actually met and don't know either of them!"

But although very little thought may go into ADDING a friend, a great DEAL of thought goes into deleting one. It's the ultimate cut-off. All of sudden--THEY ARE GONE. And you cannot add them again. (well, sometimes you can, unless they get REALLY nasty and block you) And you can't defend yourself. You can't say you're sorry or explain. It's just over. It's like, way ruder than real life. Cause, of course, you aren't good enough friends where you actually call each other and can use the phone. So just like that, you have lost a previously unnoticed and unvalued friend. And there's nothing you can do about it. Why is this so annoying?

Now--there is always the weeding out process. That's when you go through your list and get rid of people that you never talk to and don't care about. You probably don't even notice if you are weeded out. Or maybe one day you get a friend request from someone and you are like, "Aren't we already friends?"

No, this is the personal "You have offended me/I don't like you/You suck" kind of unfriend that is, surprisingly, painful. Even though you may not know this person well, may never have talked to them in person or at least not for a long time, and never would have missed them if you had never become friends on Facebook in the first place, you are still a little hurt that they thought ill of you enough to personally un-friend you. I have un-friended for the same reasons--and it's actually kind of an emotional thing. You are literally writing someone off forever. And you can't undo it. And it's SO EASY to do.

Sadly, this is not the first time it's happened to me. I tend to get in trouble on Facebook--the teacher in me just goes crazy when people are stupid about some of their status updates. Seriously, if I had had access to Facebook in high school, I shudder to think of the drama that would have ensued. If I, at the age of 32, can find drama on Facebook now, what would it have been like at 15? No, I get in trouble over foul language. If I see it on a status update I will usually call them on it. Its a pet peeve of mine. It kinda bugs me that people don't seem to know or care that EVERYONE can see their status. I mean, shouldn't you censor yourself a LITTLE bit?

Anyway, I actually feel really bad about it. But, like I said, there is nothing I can do but ponder the social effects of friending and un-friending virtual strangers, and wonder how someone to completely unconnected to me, who knows little about my life and means very little to me personally, could make me feel so bad.

Upside Down

Ever have your life turn completely upside down? I have a tendency to picture my future--I plan it all in very careful steps. I know, of course, that it may not happen that way. But I was not prepared for it to completely change like it has over the last few months. I had planned when school would be over, when each child would be born, when I would be able to quit and stay home. But...well, then this stuff happened:

1. I get pregnant. Yes, I allowed it to happen--I opened the door of possibility the TINIEST crack--and, being a Nielson girl, of course that was all it took.

2. Then I find out that not only am I pregnant, but I'm expecting twins. I can't even begin to describe how this has thrown my world--and my vision of my future--into a tailspin. Of COURSE I'm excited, but there are so many things to consider physically, financially, and emotionally with these little ones that I still haven't quite stopped spinning from the shock.

AND NOW....

3. The newest shock to my system: Trevor can't start nursing school until 2011. We thought he'd be starting this summer. He'll have all his prequisites finished after spring semester. But, apparently, that's not soon enough. We just  found out that in order to start this summer, he'd have to have all classes finished and posted by December. We are one semester off. If the stupid program started in the FALL instead of the SUMMER, like every other program known to man, we would have been fine. Instead, we are faced with the fact that we have to wait a WHOLE YEAR before he can even START his two-year nursing program. In other words, it will be THREE YEARS before we have any level of financial security.

This news made me totally cry. I have been so stressed, trying to figure out how we can afford these twins and manage for two whole years with all the extra expense and no additional income--and now it's going to be three years. One more baby than we planned, one more year than we planned--yes, my world is definately upside down.

I love my mom. When I called to tell her my devastating news, her response was instant: "What a blessing!" she chimed. HUH? But then she pointed out that now, the first year of our twins lives won't be so stressful if Trevor isn't in school. It gives us a year together with a little more time for our little ones. We might even be able to have Trevor home two days and save on daycare, or maybe he can work another job. Whatever we decide, it does, in some ways, take off some stress. On the other hand, it pretty much gaurantees that I will never, ever be a stay-at-home mom. By the time Trevor is done, the twins will be three. What's the point, then? They'll be ready for school so soon, and Afton will be in Kindergarten. Man, that sounds so far away.

Well, that's life I guess. You can't always plan everything. But man, if you'd told me this was where my life would be four months ago I would never have believed it.

Christmas 2010

I guess I might as well do my annual Christmas post. We had a great Christmas! As always, our Christmas is divided into three--we spend a few moments opening a few gifts at our house, then we go to my parents and open more, then we go to Trevor's parents and open TONS. That part takes about two hours! I really like this setup--though I'm sure as my kids get older it won't continue to work. Anyway, on Christmas Eve Trevor sent me upstairs to bed while he "got a few things ready" and it took him forever. I had no idea what he's up to, but when he came upstairs at last he said, "MUAHAHAHAH!!" So I knew he was up to something.

When I carried Afton down the next morning, Trevor was standing there with a camera, and this is what I saw:

Really? He got a digital TV? I was so excited! In hindsight, I'm pretty surprised I didn't see it coming. 

1. Trevor talked getting one non-stop and then suddenly seemed to "drop it." He never drops it. I should have known that meant he already bought one.
2. Usually we don't look at the credit card bill items until after Christmas so we are sure to surprise each other, but I noticed the bill was much higher than I expected and I thought there might be fraud on our account. But when I asked Trevor about it, he said, "Don't worry about it."
3. I did, after all, tell him that if he found one from under a certain price, to go ahead and get it. I just believed him when he said he didn't find one. Hmmm...

I think I am purposely obtuse when it comes to Christmas. I want to be surpised so bad I don't let myself think about anything!

I think that Christmas morning at our house was actually my favorite part of the day. Afton was so cute and so excited for each present. She "got it" when it came to unwrapping presents--this year, more excited about the gift than the box and paper! She wasn't yet overloaded by too my presents or distracted by the cat or her other toys. It was so fun.

We then headed to my Mom's, where we had, as usual, a quiet, humble, and practical Christmas. Trevor grew up in a home where there was more disposable income than mine. For his family, Christmas is about getting what you want. My mother is always practical--I totally get it from her. Although we still got things we wanted for Christmas, we also got what we needed. It was a very nice morning. Afton was so darn cute!

We had the traditional quiche that I make, and then we headed to Trevor's family by 11:00. This is a HUGE Christmas. Trevor's dad pretty much goes nuts over the holidays, and Trevor has inherited this. We had a nice big lunch, and then started on the gifts. Both Trevor's siblings are there with their kids, so there's a lot of us, and it takes a while to get through everything. But oh, it is so fun!

Afton immediately made a bee-line to her princess couch, and she and Madison sat on it a lot. It's pretty much her favorite gift. It's in front of the TV now, and she loves to pull it out like a bed and watch movies while she eats her "nacks." (fruit snacks)

Afton wasn't too happy about getting this family photo taken after all the presents are open!

I surprised Trevor, too. I got him the chainsaw he wanted really really bad. I totally splurged. Unfortunately, he totally splurged too. So we both broke our budget rules, had an awesome Christmas, and will now spend the next six months or so trying to get that damn credit card paid off before the twins get here!

It's strange to think about next year's Christmas. I will have THREE FREAKING KIDS! I just can't imagine that. The twins will be about 5-6 months old. So strange. I think next year we'll HAVE to stay in our budget rules no matter what!

Reality Begins...Tomorrow...

I'm sitting here on the eve of reality, and I'm not liking it one bit. When I think of everything I have to do tomorrow, and the day after that, and for the next few YEARS, I am so completely overwhelmed. On December 1st Trevor and I were due to fly to Las Vegas for a conference for my work. It made sense to schedule our first appointment with the doctor that day since we are both home. Oh how glad I am that Trevor was there with me at that appointment!

As you know, the doctor informed us that we are having twins.

And then we embarked on a four-day vacation in the most unrealistic of cities, Las Vegas. The last few days have been a whirl. We keep looking at eachother and mouthing, "twins!" because we can hardly believe it. In Vegas we told loads of people about our exciting news--complete strangers--because it never gets old. People are always so excited and delighted for you. We went out to eat, walked the strip, attended museums, and had a fabulous time. During the day I went to the conference, and in the evening Trevor and Adam, (the husband of another teacher who went with us, about the same age) hung out all day at the strip.

We knew, of course, that when we got home we'd have to face the reality of our situation. We'd have to sit down and hammer out the finances, and figure out exactly how screwed we are--and yes, we ARE screwed. There is no possible way we can afford these babies without help. Would I change it? Oh no. I'm absolutely ennamored of these babies already! But still, the practical side of me kept reminding me that coming home would be difficult. I'd come home to laundry, dishes, and ornery (but adorable) baby, three days of missing work and students to catch up, straightening out our finances after the trip, figuring out how to get a new key cut for my Toyota--which WILL NOT start with the key now (a fact we learned at the SLC airport. 20 minutes of trying before it finally turned. ) And of course, the reality that we REALLY ARE having twins. That Trevor is starting nursing school the same month they will be born, and will be working and going to school for two years. That our daycare is going to go from $260 a month to at least $600 (if we are lucky), and that there is no visible way of lowering our monthly expenses without taking out tons of student loans. I had planned, of course, on winning a million dollars at the slot machines, but about $10 later it hadn't happened so I gave up.

But that's tomorrow. Tonight is Sunday. I've got laundry in. The dishwasher is running. Trevor is playing with an obnoxious and demanding Afton downstairs. I don't want to think about the daunting task of paying for and taking care of three children under three. I want to pray that they will be both be born healthy and on time. I want to imagine holding their tiny little bodies against me and know that here is the rest of my family, in one neat little package. I want to hope that my body can handle this, that I can carry them to term and give birth as easily as possible. Is that too much to ask? Can't I just focus on the joy of being a twin mom, of knowing that the Lord has trusted me with these tiny little spirits? Can I let go and just let the Lord help me find a way to make it all possible? It seems completely impossible right now. I am trying very hard not to freak out completely. I had it all planned out--and this was not the plan at all. And now I have to rely completely on faith. And the charity of friends and neighbors and the United States Government. But despite the stress and the edge of hysteria, not to mention the double morning sickness, I am happy about it all. We'll find a way to make it work. They are coming--and we are going to be ready for them!

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words. (Or dollars)