Do you ever find yourself rehearsing conversations in your mind that you WISH you could have, but know you never will?
In describing myself, I've always said I'm the type that doesn't hold grudges. I forgive and forget quite easily--sometimes to the point that I really DO forget that someone has treated me badly, and then I find myself in the same situation a few months later when they do it again. It's true I don't really hold grudges--I simply can't. I'm the complete opposite of stubborn.
But I was thinking that there are a very few people in my life that have treated me badly or disappointed or frustrated me enough that I harbor a grudge--a BIG one. I mean, I don't think about it often. But when it comes up--I just sit there and go over and over madly in my head what I would say to them if I had the chance. And yet I know that if I DID say any of it to them, they'd think I was an emotional psycho and I'd look like a total idiot, and then I'd feel even worse. I think that is why I get so mad--I know there is absolutely NOTHING I can do about it. Nothing is more frustrating to me than to be deliberately misunderstood.
I remember in college this guy thought I'd done something that I didn't do. The evidence against me was pretty strong, but I maintained that I had not done what he thought I had. And he WOULD NOT believe me. No matter what I said. No matter how I explained. He had decided and that was that. It was utterly maddening. And the more I tried to explain, and the angrier I got, the more certain he was that I was "protesting too much."
It's all so very annoying. Why do I let things get to me? Why can't I just let it go? I've been back to work for one day and already the stress and frustration is creeping back. Everything I try to do, all my extra projects that I enjoy, are sabotaged by the same person--who isn't aware they are doing it, and would think I'm totally crazy if I pointed it out.
I think I'm going crazy. Maybe I am crazy. I remember a companion on my mission that made me crazy. She'd do something SO irritating, so I'd do it back, to show her how irritating she was. And then she'd accuse me of doing it! And tell me I'm irritating! And I was like, "But you started it!" and then guess what? I sound like a crazy idiot again.
Such is my life.
I'm going to bed.
Fall Camping
3 months ago
2 comments:
Ah Meg, I'm the same way. I'm really hard to piss off but once you've done it, may the Good Lord help you because no one else will! I have probably 3 people EVER in my life that I have a grudge against and I'll probably die with that grudge. Nothing malevolent- I'm not going to track them down and yell at them or worse. Just those unresolvable situations that eat at us until we simply learn it isn't worth it. Of course, I don't have to see any of my grudge victims so it isn't as hard for me. Hang in there!
The whole thing with not being believed takes me back to my first job as a pharmacist at Macey's. They accused me of calling the state on an unlicensed technician and treated me like crap for a week before I finally quit. It was horrible. No matter what I said, no one believed me. Even years later, I would start thinking about it at night and not be able to sleep. Why didn't I go to their lawyer and complain about the liable? Or talk to the state to at least tell them it WASN'T me?
Sorry you have to deal with this at work. You have to focus on what you CAN control and try to let the rest slide. We sometimes automatically assume ill intent from those that annoy us when it isn't always there. Maybe try a different approach or perspective on the situation?
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