DREAD

A week and a half! That's all I have before everything changes! How did the time go by so quickly?? Usually, this is a fun time of year. I'm looking forward to going back to school. There's something exciting about brand-new 7th graders, the smell of sharpened pencils, and putting my room in order for the new year. But this year, I have never felt such a feeling of dread. I mean, when I think about school I get this deep dark heavy feeling in my chest. I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK!

I wish I could say the main reason is because I don't want to leave Afton and would prefer to be a stay at home mom. This isn't quite true. Now, when I mention aloud that I don't want to leave my baby, it' s hard not to cry. Because I DON'T. I love being home with her. But--I really don't mind being a working mom. I'd love to work part time--so long as work is a good and happy place to be.

But it's not.

That's why I am feeling such dread. Everything has changed so much at my school, moralle among the teachers is really, really low, and I don't get along with my boss at all. He doesn't like me. I don't really blame him--I'm a total psychopath around him. Somehow, he just brings the worst out in me. I think it started last summer when we had our first meetings before the start of the school year, and he told all of us that we couldn't use our cell phones during school hours. Everyone was pretty ticked, but I was HORRIFIED. I raised my hand, and said something like, "So, if I need to call my baby..." And then I got all choked up and couldn't finish and actually left the room a few minutes later and bawled in my classroom for 15 minutes. I'd just left behind my tiny new baby, and the idea that I couldn't use my cell phone to call the daycare whenever I felt I needed to--well, I couldn't take it. If I DON'T use my cell phone, then I'd have to call on my school phone which is in front of all my students. And people can't call you at school--it goes straight to voicemail. So if there's an emergency, my daycare can't call my phone? Are you serious? He never enforced that rule though. I talked to him about my problem later and he was fine. So see--he's not a bad guy.

But yes, that's where it started. And incidents similar to that continued all year long. One thing after another. I didn't handle any of them well. He thinks I'm a total mess. Again--I've earned that. But now that I'm not in his little favorites club, I'm pretty much a doormat. My opinions mean nothing. I have just shut up, say nothing, and wait till either he retires or I can find another place to work.

I don't want to go back! I don't want to leave my little girl! I don't want to feel that stress I felt all last year! Like when, in May, he refused to pay me for the hours I spend creating and keeping up the school website, even though he'd said earlier in the year that he WOULD pay me. Man, how I stressed over that! I needed the money so bad (and we're talking less than $200 here) but he refused. I was so tempted to pull down the whole website and let the parent complaints juts come rolling in. But luckily my department paid me for it, so it all worked out. But I was so upset and emotional all the time! How can I go into this new school year and stay calm and just NOT CARE?

Ok. I better stop. I'm sure this is not remotely interesting to anyone else. My boss is not a bad guy. He's actually a good guy. But somehow, we just don't work out. I'm not sure how to change that. I'm not sure I can. I think I'll just sit back and not care--and then what? Become like all those other junior high teachers that don't care? I don't want to be one of those! Grrr...Ok. The rant is over. I'm SO sorry...