Afton's First Christmas

Well, we had a fabulous Christmas this year! I wanted to make it special, seeing as it's Afton's first Christmas, and at 9 months, she's old enough to at least participate. She sure liked the wrapping paper! Some people told me not to get her much cause she's too young. I blatantly ignored them. My baby girl needs toys! And she got them! We had a great time with both sides of the family. Isn't this outfit the cutest ever, by the way? A gift from Grandma Nielson! I was glad we spent some time with Trevor's Grandmas Luzenia, just newly widowed at this horrible time of year. I remember last year Grandpa was putting Christmas bows on his head and making the grandchildren giggle. We all missed him a lot this year--no one more than poor Grandma! Well, here are a few highlights from this season...

1. FOOD - We had some awesome food this season! I think I got a little crazy because Trevor and I have "decided" (meaning, we'll see when it happens) that we are going to eat healthy starting in January. So we pretty much gorged in December. We had Cindy's awesome macaroons, which I got pretty addicted to. I also made my standard quiche for Christmas--it's my Aunt Carm's recipe and it's AWESOME. I always make two of them, and we eat them at my mom's, and at Trevor's parents. Afterwards, there wasn't a lot leftover. So--well, I made ANOTHER one after Christmas and Trevor and I eat it every morning. I just wanted to be SURE there would be some weight to lose in January, 'cause I'm so skinny already...

2. PARTIES - We've had a lot of parties to go to! Or, just plain old "game nights" since we've gotten pretty board-game happy. We've spent a lot of time at our friend's Ryan and Anna's playing new games. Then we've played with the Snow's, my sister Jen and her family, and tonight we are playing with the Stoddart's! Then of course there was my Nielson Familiy party--which is absolutely CRAZY. Kids everywhere. Really loud. People screaming and laughing and crying and running into each other. And here is my darling baby sitting on "Santa's" lap!




3. THE TREE - I'm proud to say I got my tree up on Thanksgiving day (Trevor was gone the day after so we had to do it early!) and I got it DOWN on the 27th! I was SO ready to have my living room back! Mom gave me her old Christmas tree, complete with decorations, last year. So I actually have a darn cool Christmas tree. Afton was a big fan of the tree, though not as much as our stinkin' cats. Sometimes, I wish they'd both get run over. There's some Christmas Spirit for ya!

4. GIFTS - For me, I got a TON of good stuff! I'm so domestic! First, Trevor got me some gorgeous new pots and pans, and he got me a dehydrator, and my mother-in-law got me a breadmaker! I'm already obsessed, for all I've only made two loaves, and although they tasted good, they were all concave on top. Not sure why. I think the first time its because I used cold yeast, and the second time is because I used too much--well, I used what the recipe called for but since it rose huge and then POPPED, I suppose that's a hint. Trevor got us both Snuggies. Now I know that snuggies get a bad rap--but let me tell you. They rock. I LOVE MY SNUGGIE. I may look like a monk in it, but I care not! I'm a WARM monk!


Ok, and I also have to add this picture of my baby. Trevor got her this adorable Seahawks onsie, and she looks so cute in it! For Trevor's big present, he, of course, got another sword. This one is the Sword of Boromir. Now, if I didn't know my husband better, I would breathe a sigh of relief and think, "Well, he's got all the swords for every hero in the show now, so he'll be all done." No, that's just not how it is. Not when there are banners and helmets and shields and all kinds of other stuff. However, it DOES look pretty darn cool on the wall, so I don't complain too loudly. Oh--and in the picture--no, he's NOT slicing his mother in half...

5. TOYS - And last, I had to add a little video of my baby girl, playing with one of her toys. She has several that she loves, like the little piano from Grandma Rees, and the stacking toys from us. But the blocks she got from Grandma Nielson are also a big hit! This video is kinda long and maybe you'll find it boring after a few minutes, but I just couldn't cut it--I just think she's so cute! I love how she is just giggling!

Make photo slide shows at www.OneTrueMedia.com

What I SHOULD be doing...

Today I was going down the stairs and I saw my scriptures lying at the bottom of the stairs in a forgotten pile, where I'd put them last week after I hurried home from church, eager to feed the baby, get her down for a nap, and have a couple of minutes of silence. I didn't remember that I'd put them there. And the fleeting and brief thought crossed my mind, "yeah, I should read those."

The dreaded SHOULD. I hate the shoulds in life, and it seems that the older you get, and the more responsibility you take on, the more SHOULD's come along. Sometimes I get so tired of feeling guilty for all the things I SHOULD be doing.

*I should be reading my scriptures every night.
*I should remember to say my prayers every day.
*I should hold my baby longer before I put her down--I should be enjoying her more
*I should be calling so-and-so
*I should be getting those last Christmas presents
*I should be making dinner tonight instead of making my husband fend for himself--AGAIN.
*I should play with Afton longer
*I should be working on my scrapbook
*I should be trying to lose weight
*I should be trying harder to improve my lesson plans and raise test scores
*I should go to bed instead of stay on Facebook forever reading crap about people I haven't talked to in years

It goes on and on. And I guess that's good--I mean, imagine if you were a person WITHOUT shoulds? You'd never go to bed, never work, never improve yourself. You'd be like--well, like some of my junior high kids. I swear, some of those kids are TOTALLY lacking in shoulds. Like the boys the other day who HONESTLY believed their lives would be better if they didn't have to go to school. Seriously? Are you an idiot? Isn't there a SHOULD in there somewhere saying, "I should get an education" "I should make something of myself" "I should have some sort of purpose in life." But I digress.

Yes, I grow weary of the shoulds. Because I know I can't just throw them off and say, "I'm doing fine!" because then I would never improve. But guilt is so heavy sometimes. And I know that it's only going to get harder, as Trevor gets further into school and is gone more, and as the number of children in the house increase and the income DOESN'T, those shoulds are just gonna pile up until I'm totally smothered. I don't think you are ever free of shoulds, no matter what your age or situation in life. Though, sometimes it seems there are people in my life--people I don't know very well or intimately, who seem to be doing EVERYTHING right and have no shoulds at all. But I know they do. They MUST. Somewhere. Everyone has shoulds, right?

Still, I'm glad I have shoulds. If I didn't, my life would have no purpose or direction. Having shoulds means I know what's important, even if, at the moment, I'm not really doing it. Having shoulds means that I am assessing my life and making an analysis on how I'm doing. Some people have absolutely no ability to that. Well, it's 10:30...

*I should be going to bed.

Here you go Cindy

My sister Cindy told me today that she's not sure why she has a link to my blog on her blog because I never update. I pointed out that I updated four days ago. Oh well. Maybe I don't have to wait for big things--I can just post for no real reason. So...here's a picture of my baby that I took today.

It's her official 9 month picture. I take a picture of her on the 15th every single month for her scrapbook. You know--maybe I'll just post them ALL?


Awww...isn't she the cutest EVER? I love to see the age progression--her hair just gets thicker and thicker with every picture. Maybe I'm biased, but I think I've got a darn cute little baby girl!

So there. I updated. *sticking tongue out*

Passing of a Patriarch

So I've taken three days off work this week so that I could attend the funeral of Trevor's Grandpa Rees. He was an incredible man. Trevor comes from such an amazing family of strong, yet gentle and loving men. I didn't know Spencer very well, but he was always kind to me, and I know how much Trevor idolizes him. I know that he was a wonderful father--because he taught Trevor's dad, Stan, to be a wonderful father. And Trevor and his brother David are both following the tradition. It makes me hope fervently for a son of my own, so the tradition can pass on. It's a powerful legacy that Trevor comes from. We looked up his Grandma Violoa, Spencer's mother, one time on the church database. That line has been in the United States since the 1600's! I'm only a 4th generation here in the U.S., it's amazing to me that Trevor's family has been here so long.

It was a sad funeral. I have been to funerals before, but never one quite like this. Usually at the funerals of older people (Spencer was 89) there's a sort of "it's for the best" feeling, and you hear a lot of "He's in a better place," and "he was ready to go." Not the case for Spencer. Although his health was failing, no one thought he'd go so soon. He was so loved by his family, and clearly had a very personal relationship--not just with his children, but with each and every grand child. Although my four grandparents were (are) good people and they loved me, I don't think I had a relationship like that with them. I don't have a lot of one-on-one personal memories. I don't want to sound ungrateful, though. I spent time with them and enjoyed visiting them over the years, and I know that they knew me and loved me.

But the love this family had for him was so tangible. I didn't cry because I missed him--I didn't know him well enough for that. I cried because everyone ELSE was missing him so much. How could I not sob when I saw how heart-broken Spencer's wife of 65 years, Luzenia, was when she saw them close the casket? When she would just quietly sob suddenly, when her shoulders went slack as if she remembered anew that he was gone. Its the day every woman dreads--the day she is left alone. My heart just aches for poor Luzenia, and yet how lucky she was to have such an amazing husband, and to have him for so long!

Anyway, I wanted to dedicate a post to the man who made it possible for me to be happily married to the man of my dreams. His legacy is a part of Trevor--without him, Trevor wouldn't exist, and he wouldn't have the compassion, strength, and love that he is so blessed with. Spencer taught those lessons by the way he lived, and Stan learned them from him, and Trevor learned from both of them. Thank you Spencer. You are missed.

Obligatory "Thankful" Post

So it's that time of year again. Everyone is always so darn thankful. At church, it seems like every single talk for the entire month of November is on "Being Grateful." Many of my friends have made a point to put a reason they are thankful in their status on Facebook. Really, we're all just waiting for the stinkin' holiday to be over so we can get on with Christmas. But then, I guess there is always a reason to pause and reflect--which clearly I haven't done this season. I realized a few days ago that all my posts this month have not only been ungrateful, they have been down-right negative. I don't take back anything I wrote--they were valid feelings and true ones. But...I guess it wouldn't kill me to do a positive, "grateful" post, because honestly, I have MANY things to be grateful for.

1. Lindt White Chocolate - What's not to love? You may wonder why I put this at the top of my list, and if that's the case YOU'VE NEVER HAD THEM. So addicting! And I wonder why I'm getting so fat...(no, I don't wonder. I know EXACTLY why I'm getting fat. I'm just refusing to do anything about it...)



2. My garage - Again, you may think this strange. But if you do, that's because you have either had a garage for so long you have forgotten how amazing they are, or you are like the previous owners of this house, who used it as an additional storage area. Not us. We pack both our cars in there, and it's a tight fit! But as I get up to go to work on a cold winter morning, I remember that I don't have to let the car warm up for thirty minutes, and I don't have to brush the snow off of it. Yes, I am VERY grateful for my garage. My whole house too, but let's not get sidtracked.


3. My Paycheck - I know that teachers are underpaid. I know that most of us are way over educated and making very little to show for it. I know that I am making less this year than I was last year, and I will probably be making even less than that next year. Who knows--maybe by 2012 I'll be paying THEM to work. (though one of my students informs me that the world is going to end that year, so I guess I shouldn't worry.) Still, despite how small it is, it is what is keeping us in this house. I am so grateful that I stuck it out in college, and was never tempted to give up. I'm so glad that I got a degree and have a job I love (most of the time!) which also allows me to help support the family while Trevor goes to school. So yes, despite how small it is for how much work I do, I'm grateful for it. Oh, and I guess for a college education, too. Thank goodness for pel grants.


4. Daycare. We were pretty stressed about daycare, wondering how we'd pay for it, especially after 7 months of unemployment. I stressed and stressed. We actually signed her up for a local daycare, but it was $500 a month! Reasonable, but still completely out of our price range. And then three wonderful women stepped forward to help me. I am grateful for my neighbor Brook, who watches Afton with as much love as if she were her own, two days a week. Brook's little girl is only six months older than Afton, and they are best friends! And then my wonderful mother-in-law, who added Afton to the brood of four she already had--my neices and nephew on Trevor's side. And then of course, my Mom, who takes her for free once a week and saves us money we so desperately need. I love them all so much!

5. Afton's Johnny Jump-Up. Man, what would I do without this thing?? I'm so glad Mom and Dad gave it to me to use for her. She LOVES it. She spends forever in it. Though she tends to poop a lot when she's in it. Still, it's worth it to have her happy, contained, safe, and busy while I get stuff done. And now she makes the CUTEST sounds while she's in it--Trevor and I just die laughing. She had no interest in her baby swing at all--what a waste of money--so I was so glad that there was SOMETHING that she likes. She's so good! Hooray for Johnny!

6. Reba. Ok, I'm not actually grateful, I'm pretty ticked. I got really addicted to the show Reba and I watched it every day when I got home from school. Like EVERY DAY. Like SEVERAL EPISODES. I was so grateful to Reba, because it was nice to have something to watch when I got home other than the formulaic and scripted Family Feud. And then? THEN? ION TELEVISION MOVED IT!!! TO 3:00!! DON'T THEY KNOW I DON'T GET HOME UNTIL 4:00??? And they replaced it with GHOST WHISPERER? (I liked it at first, and then it pretty much all became about how wonderful Jennifer Love Hewitt is, and then the ghosts tell her what to tell their relatives, and she totally paraphrases and leaves stuff out. Now, if YOU were communicating with a loved one who was dead, wouldn't you want to know what they said WORD FOR WORD? Stupid Jennifer. Reba is WAY better.)


7. My Friends. Generic, I know, but how can I NOT mention them? I have some seriously awesome friends. Like DeLayna--who comes over and we pig out and watch Battlestar or Star Trek or we just gab about everything from how fat we are/are not, were/will be, or serious political issues, or about nothing at all. She was with me when I went into labor, she counted the contractions with me. And then Heather, my favorite mission companion, who is always there for me and always so encouraging and kind. And hilariously funny! I have four awesome sisters who are best friends to me--so supportive, teasing, but loving too. When I grade the power points my students turn in (140 of them EVERY QUARTER!) they have a "friend" page, and some of them will go on and on about how MANY they have, and how they can't count them all. I've never been like that. But the friends I have I worth more than a thousand acquaintances. Some of them I've known all my life, others are new, and still others I've just reconnected with through Facebook. Yup, I am grateful for friends!


8. Divine Intervention. I am not one to bear my testimony on a public blog, so I won't go on and on I promise. But this year has been full of big changes, trials, ups and a lot of downs. How we were able to survive seven months unemployment, and then a huge pay cut when Trevor started working (yes, it IS more lucrative to be on unemployment than to work, apparently) plus a drop in my pay this year, is beyond me. Just when I thought we wouldn't make it, something always comes along and we have enough. If that isn't Divine intervention I don't know what is. And I don't even deserve it. I have't been to the temple in ages. I skip sacrament a lot, using the baby as an excuse. I haven't done my visiting teaching ONCE. And--worst of all--I have NO FOOD STORAGE! Not even a CAN! It's amazing the Lord can still love me.

9. Aquaphor. How have I missed this one until #9? We orginally bought it, of course, because of the baby. I got chapped lips in about August of '08 while pregnant, and they just didn't go away. I had chronic chapped lips my whole pregnancy. I mean BAD. I figured it was a pregnancy thing. After Afton was born, they STILL didn't go away. If you look closely at my family picture on my blog, you can tell I still had chapped lips--that was taken in August of '09! A whole YEAR of chapped lips! Can you imagine? Then the hygenist at the dentist office told me to use Aquaphor. It saved my life. Chapstick? NEVER AGAIN. I'm all about Auqaphor.

10. Ok, I'll do it. My family. Of COURSE I am grateful for my family! There's rarely a day that goes by that I don't have a thought somewhere along the lines of: "Why am I so lucky?" It was comforting to realize, when I was single, that marriage has nothing to do with deserving it, and everything to do with sheer dumb luck. If that weren't the case, then several of my single friends would have been married ten years ago. My husband is so perfect for me--he's annoying and stubborn and gorgeous and a total Lord of the Rings geek. But he's MY geek, and I love him with all my heart. As for my baby--well, she's absolutely the most beautiful, amazing thing I've ever seen. I am always fascinated with every little thing she does, and she is clearly the most amazing child that ever lived. Don't even try to rebutt that. I'll never believe you.

So there are 10 things I'm thankful for. I know some of them are silly--but sometimes those small things are what makes life bearable! So there you go--a POSITIVE post from me (though I couldn't stay totally positive when I got to Reba, but can you blame me? I mean, Ghost Whisperer?)

Why Teachers Don't Care

When I first started teaching, I was apalled by the number of jaded teachers I saw. Women and men who do nothing extra--they come to work, teach the bare minimum, and get their paycheck. They don't go the extra mile, they hate their jobs, and they become total jerks. I had teachers like that in Junior High, and I've seen many like that in my work. I did not want to become like that. I was enfused with the excitement of my new career--planning activities for my students that took extra time, but were so good for them and taught them on a higher level. I didn't care that it took me hours more to prepare. And then I started the ballroom program at my school. The first year I did it completely for free-just because I wanted to. I wanted to give some kids what was given me--confidence at an age where it is so desperately needed. I knew that ballroom was a great way of doing that. My second year I was paid for my ballroom program--not much, but I was happy to get it. I took great joy in what I was doing. It was extra work, sure, but it was worth it. I watched these kids grow and learn and start to become a different person.

But now, after six years of teaching, I'm starting to turn into one of THOSE teachers. And I'm starting to figure out why they get that way. Of course there's just the wear and tear that Jr. high kids give you--you seem them making the same mistakes over and over again, and they never seem to learn. They move on to high school and most of the time we never see them again--we never see the finished product. We just get another batch of adolescents making the same mistakes the previous batch did, and it just seems lik the never learn. The DO, we just don't see it. Then you get a family, and you realize that every extra minute you are spending beyond your contract time is a minute away from them. And you wonder--why am I giving so much to someone else's kids instead of my own? Then you get some random cruel letter from a parent, and you feel like throwing up your hands and saying, "Why do I bother?"

And now, I feel like the school itself is against me. I get the feeling from my "superiors" that my extra work is nothing more than an annoyance for them--it might mean an extra signature or a minute or two of planning or making some phone calls. It's too much work FOR THEM. They'd rather I just don't bother. Purchasing rules in my district seem to be set up just for that reason--to deter any teacher from trying to provide a great experience for kids. No, just stack 'em deep and teach 'em cheap. 'Cause apparently the goal of my district is to take away anything fun for kids and give it to the high schools. Make junior high suck as much as possible.

I'm so tired of banging my head against this wall. I'm tired of going the extra mile and getting nothing for it. No apprecation from my boss, my district, the parents, or even the students. They forget--they don't even realize what you've done. They just take, use, and forget. They might realize years later what you've done and even thank you--I had a student and her parents in just two days ago thanking me for my ballroom program--but it's hard to continue justifying all this work.

And so what do I do? I drop all extra work. I come, get my paycheck, and go home. It's easier for everyone that way, isn't it? The kids might not get as rich of an experience or education, but does that REALLY matter, when compared to the prospect of inconveniencing other people or rocking a few boats? Teachers can't afford to care. If we care, there is always some rule or regulation to prevent us from doing something great. And parents complain, and who knows what kind of accusations could fly? That's not a risk I can afford to take.

I'm done. No more ballroom next year. Maybe I'll even drop the talent show. I can't afford to care anymore. I'll do the bare minimum--it's the same paycheck, after all.

Your Online Integrity

Grrr...

I'm having a hard day.

We got this unfair bill in the mail this morning. It threw me. I'm sure you've all been there--so financially tight you can't buy a new shirt or an extra gallon of milk, and just when you think you are gonna make it, you get some unexpected bill. I was REALLY mad. I felt it was totally unfair and almost sketchy, what they were charging.

And then I did something stupid. I turned to the peas. Why? Why do I keep forgetting what jerks are on that site? It's an online message board with traffic from people all over the U.S. and abroad. If you have a question, there is bound to be SOMEONE with the answer. There have been times when I got some really good insights and points of view I hadn't considered when consulting with the peas. (The website is twopeasinabucket.com and all the posters on it are refered to as "peas.")

Now of course, there are people who are chronic posters. People who MUST be glued to their screen 24/7 because they have thousands of posts and they remember everything about you if you post. It's really creepy. I'm sure the majority of them or normal--but you know, the crack-pots always post fifty times more than everyone else.

So I posted about this bill, and I was shocked at the cruel, judgemental and out and out rude comments I got. Most of them were fine--I might not have agreed with them, but they were giving their opinions about the subject at hand, and that's what I want. And then you get the jerks--the people who seem to have nothing better to do than pick apart everything you say and take exception to it--making awful comments that make you cry. And don't bother defending yourself--this will cause ten other jerks to sniff out the drama and come after you.

This is what happened to me today. I was a gold fish in a sea of piranas. Same thing happened the last two times I posted, which was like the only time I've posted all year. I feel just awful. It's amazing the toxic atmosphere a few comments can make, and though I know I should just ignore it, it's not in my nature to do so. I'm not used to dealing with openly rude people--and I teach junior high for heaven's sakes! Even JUNIOR HIGH kids have better manners than these people.

And then I thought--this woman who made this comment--she could be the parent of a student. She could be my next door neighbor. She could be that lady helping me at the store. She could be ANYBODY, because when you are online, speaking to strangers under a false name--you can be ANYONE. What kind of integrity do you really have when no one knows who you are, and there are no reprecussions for your behavior? How many of these catty women are sitting at church on Sunday, serving up dinner to a gaggle of smiling children, or teaching kindergartners their ABC's? They aren't some ugly depressed psychopath--they are normal people who have figured out that HERE is a place where they can REALLY say what they think.

What kind of online integrity do I have? Am I tempted to make that snarky comment, because I know no one who matters can call me on it? Am I the kind of person who would seek out an opportunity to hurt someone, just because I CAN? Disagreement is one thing, but personal attacks are another entirely. I am glad to say I never done this, though I have done it in retaliation. Which I shouldn't do, no matter how tempting. Just as I don't know THEM, they don't know ME. They can make all kind of judgements about me based on the one paragraph of information they have. And I can do the same--one snarky comment, and I'm certain they are visible jerks to all. But maybe they aren't. Maybe they are normal people having a bad day. (Though I STILL can't beleive that...) I can't change my ignorance--I can't know. But I CAN make sure that my own online integrity is not compromised.

And I probably ought to start by boycotting the site entirely. I simply can't take the temptation to strike back. This is not the first time I have made this resolution, but a year goes by and I find myself wandering back out of sheer boredom. It is in my nature to forgive easily and not hold grudges, but that downside to that is that I literally FORGET what wrongs have been done me. And I tend to walk into the same trap more than once. Well, I hope I've learned. And I hope I can make my own resolution to be the same person online as I am every day.

Well I feel better now. They got me so riled up, and I knew that if I responded anymore it would just get worse. So now I feel better having expressed myself without interuption. Ignore this post--its more for me than you!