For Dad

My dad told me today that he checks my blog a lot to see the progress of my babies on my little widget. But he says I don't update enough. So this is for you, Dad.

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Hmm...I guess that's why I don't update. I can't think of anything!

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Well, I thought of something that HAS been rolling in my head for a while. But this really has nothing to do with my dad. The fact that I'm updating at all is for you, Dad, but the subject matter is totally random. Anyway, I have been listening to "Scream-Free Parenting" on CD, since my sister lent it to me. It's been very interesting and I can't wait for Trevor to listen to it so we can talk about it. But in the last chapter, he talked about something that I've been thinking about all week--the four levels of love. I actually sketched it out in graph form because it made me see it better:

Level 1: I love me for my benefit - Obviously the lowest level of love, a very selfish level. You care only for yourself and your needs, and will do whatever it takes to fulfill them. Babies are pretty much at this level. So are some pretty non-functional adults.

Level 2: I Love you for my benefit--a higher level, because now at least you are thinking of someone else. But you are only thinking of them so long as, once again, it benefits you. If it gets hard, you are out of there.

Level 3: I Love you for your benfit--this can sound like the highest level, because it's so self-sacrificing. It's also pretty unhealthy. And impossible. You can't really completely love someone else without putting yourself into the equation in some way. A relationship is made of two people--a truly healthy one will fulfill the needs of both parties. Loving at this level is exhausting and unrewarding.

Level 4: I Love me for your benefit--I love this. It can sound a little selfish, but it means that you take care of yourself, so they don't have to. You bring yourself to the relationship as a whole person, who can give of yourself freely. You don't rely on someone else to make you happy--your are already happy, and are then able to make them happy. You love yourself, and thus don't have all that baggage that can keep you from loving them freely and unconditionally. Therefore, THEY benefit from your healthy love of yourself.

Isn't that cool? For some reason, this really got me. I think sometimes we think we are bad people if we take time out for "me-time." I'm not one of those people. I love me-time. It's been the hardest thing for me to adjust to after having a baby--not having as much time to do what I want to do. I'm just glad to know that I'm not a horrible person for wanting it and making time for it.  Trevor is the same way, and we often barter in our household for me-time. It's basically our currency. We take turns, so the other can have time to work on hobbies or do what they need to do. Of course, this book wasn't really about your marriage, but about your kids. Afton is so young still, I have a hard time applying it. But you can most definately apply this to parenting. If you are loving your child at the highest level of love, then you aren't as hurt when they don't give back or appreciate your sacrifices--because your motivation is completely changed. You are not doing it so you can get a reward for it. You are doing it because it's just part of who you are. I know a lot of people that I benefit from, just because of who they are. I am blessed just to know them and have their example. These are people who are taking the time to take care of themselves, and I benefit from what they are becoming. Does this make sense at all?

This concept originally came from a monk, who was talking about man's relationship with God. So at church on Sunday, I was thinking about that too. How to apply it in a spiritual sense. I'm still working out the kinks on that, but I do know that you can't truly give selfless service unless your motivations are at the highest level. Unless your love for God and your need to do something that will better yourself is of higher importance than being awarded or noticed for your efforts.

Well, that's all. I usually have no real deep thoughts in my brain--I'm pretty much in this "TWINS, TWINS, TWINS" mode all the time. So I'm proud of myself for having something a little deeper to think about this week. Hope you weren't too bored, Dad. I love you!