My New Favorite Blog

Ok. So one of my 9th graders (who is a TOTAL kindred spirit when it comes to reading) turned me on to this webside Sparklife. I just started reading "Blogging Twilight." It's about a GUY who reads Twilight and blogs about what he thinks. IT.IS.HILARIOUS. I'm sitting here reading it during 7th period while my kids are working on their power points. And I keep laughing OUT LOUD. I can't help it. It's that funny. Go read it. But in case you need an extra push, here's a few exerpts:

Edward admits that while hunting with his brother, he felt anxious because he was away from Bella. He says he's drawn to her for some unexplainable reason, and feels he must protect her. Not to belabor the point, but even when confronted with the most delicious sandwich or soup, I never felt the need to protect it from harm.

***

After reading chapter eight, where Edward nearly kills the guys that are picking on Bella, the author makes the following predection:

Predictions: On the way home, Bella gets stung by a bee. Edward freaks out, and struggles to resist the urge to kill the bee. Finally, he screams and bashes his head against the steering wheel to let out his frustration.

***

I think a more realistic conversation between two teens, even if one is a vampire, would go something like this:

BELLA: Hey.
EDWARD: Hey.
BELLA: What's up?
EDWARD: I don't know.
BELLA: Yeah.
EDWARD: ...
BELLA: Um...I like you more than you like me.
EDWARD: Shut up. That's stupid.
BELLA: No it's not. [Giggles]
EDWARD: I...uh...I...
BELLA: Yeah.
EDWARD: I like you more than you like me.
BELLA: For real?
EDWARD: Yep. [Looks at shoes]
BELLA: Cool. What's the deal with werewolves?
EDWARD: I don't know. They're so lame.
BELLA: Totes.
EDWARD: I know, right? I can read minds.
BELLA: Yeah, I know. You already told me that.
EDWARD: [Fiddles with shoe string] Wanna see how high I can jump, after school?
BELLA: Um...all right, I guess.
EDWARD: Cool.

***

Throughout the day, Edward asks Bella all kinds of random, boring questions, such as: "What's your favorite color?", and, "What kind of flowers do you like?" Nothing interesting is revealed. If I were him, I'd ask her important questions such as, "Since I'm immortal and you're not, eventually you're going to get old and busted. When that happens, is it cool if I date another 17-year-old?"

***

The next morning, Edward drives Bella to school. She tells us, "I couldn't imagine how an angel could be any more glorious. There was nothing about him that could be improved upon." Really? How about an eyeball on the end of a finger so he could look around corners without being seen? Or bigger calf muscles?

***

Inside the truck, Edward left a note that says, "Be safe." This is exactly the kind of note a parent would leave. Instead of being so intense all the time, he should have left something flirty and fun in the car, like a note saying:

Hey Isabelly,

I wrote this rap for you:

Promise not to die
And don't be a liar
I like to kill bears
'Cause I'm a vampire

Holla!

Later hater,
Ed-weird

P.S.
I want to touch your face so hard!

***

While hiking, Bella tells us once again that Edward is a godlike creature. We get it. She thinks he's hot. If you eliminated all descriptions of Edward, along with all conversations about danger and scenes of face-touching, this book would be nothing but a short paragraph or two about rain and badminton.

***

Why is Bella so irresistible to Edward? I have no idea. But since he wants her blood,
why can't he have some? A normal person can donate blood every few weeks. If Bella started now, she would have a whole cupboard filled with Eddie Treats in no time, and then the "I can't be with you. But I must be with you" nonsense could end.

Maybe he can just drink Bella's mother's blood instead. Or maybe Bella's mom and dad can get together, have another kid, and feed it to Edward. (But if they choose to do that, they shouldn't name the kid, because then they will get too attached.) I'm just throwing out ideas, because I'm sick of Edward complaining.

***

For a few more paragraphs he talks about how difficult it is being close to her. Edward has turned into a big whiner. Suck it up, man. I thought vampires were supposed to be tough and scary, not wusses who run fast and sparkle.

***

Edward also suggests it would be a good idea for him to meet Bella's dad formally. He asks if she will introduce him as her boyfriend, and she reflects that he's not exactly a boy. Maybe she should introduce him like this:

BELLA: Hey Charlie. This is Edward. He's my man-buddy. He watches me sleep every night. But don't worry. We can't "get busy" because Edward would kill me. So all we can do is smooch and touch our faces, which is so awesome. He eats bears. Anyway, we're off to an enchanted garden filled with rainbows and bubbles. Later.

***

While everyone is standing around and staring at each other, Bella notices the grand piano. You will never believe this, but Edward can play the piano beautifully. Moreover, he writes his own music and has composed a piece that was inspired by Bella.

He doesn't mention it, but I assume his song is entitled one of the following:

Dangerous Passion
Passionate Danger
Back Dat Up, Bella (Slap It, Slap It)
A Whiff of Bella In The Morning
Bella and The Lurker
If Spying on the One I Love is Wrong, I Don't Want to be Right
Back Dat Up, Bella (Slap it, Slap it) [Club Remix feat. T-Pain]

***

After that, he swam to France, for some reason. Edward says swimming is easy for vampires because they don't need to breathe air. While the ability to read minds didn't faze Bella, a vampire's disinterest in oxygen freaks her out. It's like telling someone, "Hey, I'm on fire," and she doesn't care. But then tell them, "I also have a headache," and they panic.

After swimming to France, Carlisle went to some universities, where he fell in love with medicine. He believed that by helping sick people, he could make up for some of the horrible things vampires have done. Maybe this is why Angelina Jolie adopts all those kids! It all makes sense. She must be a vampire. She has the sexy good looks, the overly dramatic attitude, and I've never seen her sleep or eat. Case closed.

***

After first becoming a "Pretty Night Thing That Bites," Edward followed Carlisle's orders and only ate animals. But then Edward started to rebel, which left Carlisle in a flurry of angst. Edward thought he'd be in the clear if he only killed bad people. I agree with that, and cannot understand why these vampires don't fight crime. They could wipe out terrorism overnight by hunting bad guys, but instead they opt to go to high school and drive fast.

OK I'll stop now. It's kinda cool how he goes through the whole book. Poeple comment. Some are haters, and some are big fans who are able to laugh at it still. I'm a big fan of this new website! (Sorry Jill!!!)